It looks as if an terrible lot of individuals are asking my opinion nowadays, normally about issues on which I’ve no opinion to offer. They ask my tackle worldwide politics, international warming, the abroad inventory markets, the way forward for the Eurodollar, the newest Calvin Klein perfume, and an entire slew of different matters that I do know little, if something, about. Even my spouse needs to know what I believe. She’s all the time asking issues like, “Honey, does this make me look fats?” It would not take a genius to determine that there is just one right response to that query.
So the proof is obvious: both my humble opinion actually does depend to lots of people or I simply have lots of people snowed. I am leaning towards the latter because it requires far much less effort on my half.
Most of those misguided people search my opinion for no different purpose than I write this column. They suppose that as a result of I can string collectively a few thousand phrases in a semi-coherent method on a weekly foundation, what I believe will need to have some relevance to the world. Fact be instructed, most weeks this column writes itself. In truth, I do not take into account myself a author a lot as a cranky chronicler of life, a benign bystander, an existential fly on the wall. I simply sit on the sidelines and pay attention to what’s taking place round me, then I run it via a spell checker and report it to you. Consider me because the corridor monitor within the Large Faculty of Life. By the best way, the place’s your corridor cross?
Whereas most individuals ask my opinion on present occasions, others wish to know what I take into consideration issues that have not even occurred but, like I am some form of psychic hotline operator. “Who do you suppose the following president might be?” they ask. “Do you suppose North and South Korea will ever unite? Do you suppose there’ll ever be an Irish Pope? Do you suppose Prince Charles’ ears can get any greater? Do you suppose the brand new Barbie will have the ability to put on the outdated Barbie’s garments?”
Since so many individuals appear to suppose that I can see into the long run, to not point out that we’re on the brink of the brand new 12 months, I made a decision to place my psychic skills to the take a look at. In any case, I had nothing to lose and the solutions to many questions to achieve. Questions like: Can I actually see into the long run? Do I actually possess the present of foresight? If I actually can see into the long run, what’s one of the best ways to make a quick buck off such a capability, and extra importantly, will it assist me keep in mind the place I left my carkeys?
I put myself in a deep, hypnotic trance by watching a complete episode of “Baywatch” with the sound turned down, then I closed my eyes and let the visions come. For some time, all I may see was water and pink bathing fits, however lastly the waves did half and the long run grew to become clear.
Right here, then, are my prime ten predictions for the approaching 12 months:
- Lisa Marie Presley will announce that she is pregnant with exhusband Michael Jackson’s youngster. Although it’s unclear whether or not the infant might be a boy or woman, it is going to be born with interchangeable elements, similar to its daddy.
- Talking of Michael Jackson, the Gaudy Gloved One will determine to have a intercourse change operation by the top of the 12 months. Confused medical doctors will announce that such surgical procedure is not an possibility for Jackson as a result of they can not decide what intercourse he/she/it’s now.
- On the 1998 Governors’ Ball held on the White Home, Alabama Governor Fob James will expertise a painful assault of intestinal fuel whereas dancing with Hillary Clinton. Footage of the assault might be aired on newscasts across the nation, sparking a dance craze that proves much more well-liked than the Macarena. Within the phrases of “Soul Prepare” host Don Cornelius, “Everyone be doin’ the Fob!”
- It will likely be confirmed that President Invoice Clinton was not solely concerned in Whitewater and unlawful marketing campaign fundraising, however was additionally instrumental within the creation of the Arch Deluxe.
- Because of the lack of viable candidates to run within the subsequent presidential election, the Republican Celebration will try and revive the political profession of Ronald Reagan. The truth that he’s affected by Altzheimer’s might be thought-about by many to be a political plus.
- Microsoft head Invoice Gates will take into account getting into politics, however will change his thoughts after failing to get the workplace of “God of Earth and Hellfire” added to the nationwide poll.
- In a transfer that shocks the spiritual world, Pope John Paul will resign the papacy and start a profitable profession as a stand-up comedian. He’ll land his personal sitcom on the Fox community referred to as, “Chico and the Pope.” Jimmy Smits will play the function of Chico.
- Disgraced TV preachers Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert are forged in a remake of the outdated sitcom, “Bosom Buddies.” Jim and Jimmy play two God-fearing males dwelling in a home crammed with lovely girls. Neither function is taken into account a stretch.
- Basketball nice Michael Jordan’s squeaky-clean picture might be tarnished this 12 months when it is revealed that he is not actually bald.
- A well-liked web humor columnist with the initials HLW will win fame and fortune with the publication of his guide, “Males Are From Venus, Girls Are From Over Yonder.”
Nicely, what are you aware, these people had been proper. I can see into the long run, in any case. Or perhaps it was all only a dream introduced on by that beer and Polish sausage sandwich I had whereas trancing out on Baywatch. At any price, I hope you loved this text as a result of I used to be charging you $3.99 a minute.
Hey, even a psychic’s gotta eat.
Completely happy New 12 months, all people!